Liberator 5.1
Why Are Black Women Overly Defensive With Each Other?
words: Asha Taylor
 

My homegirl and I sped down the interstate into the city--ready to hit the club, groove until our feet ached, and our ears rang. Our intent was innocent enough, right? However, before even getting into the club, we had to endure the all-too-familiar glares and smirks from other sistas standing in line. I thought to myself sarcastically, “Let the games begin.”

Almost all black women have experienced it. From churches to clubs, coffee houses to open mics, the ever-present “hateration” between black women lurks. Maybe it’s more accurately defined as an excessive defensiveness due to feeling threatened.

Since I was young, I pondered the reason my sistas were more hesitant to welcome me than my white, Asian, or Latino counterparts. Considering everything from jealousy to personal offense, I finally concluded that they just had “stank” attitudes. Still, EVERY sista can’t have a finger-snapping, eye-rolling personality and if the majority of us do, there has to be a reason for it. So why do black women get so edgy when another sista arrives on the scene?

Underlying all of these hypotheses exists one fact: insecurity prevails. Since there hasn’t been extensive research on this topic, this question’s answer relies on observations, facts, and connecting the two. Here are a few theories about the factors affecting black women’s relationship with each other.

"Where's Daddy" Theory.
Divide and conquer has been the oppressor’s strategy since slavery. Dominating the black woman’s body and mind was a way to emasculate the black man by making him feel incapable of protecting his family and powerless. As the black man and woman’s spirits broke, so did the foundation of the black family.

Generations later that tactic has resulted in the black woman assuming more responsibility to compensate for the absence of her man, who is constantly trying to surmount attacks on his masculinity--a fight that often draws him away from home.

Growing up in these single-mother families and sometimes heading them, has left a void. Absence of a father--the most important man in a girl’s life--sends us on a quest for a man’s affection. Off we go, trying to fill a void that must be healed from the inside out. Emphasis on relationships with other females is underscored because we’re accustomed to the affection received from mothers, aunts, and sisters. The unattainable is prized.

Watching our female role models cope with the absence and pain scares us. We develop a fear of loneliness and rejection, which serves as a distorted guide through life. Some of us never fully obtain a healthy definition of “woman” because that little girl inside of us is still looking for completion in her father’s validation.

“A Good Man is Hard to Find” Theory.
Since single black women head most black households, we are constantly searching for that other half—the balance. Statistics and bad relationship experiences convince us he is in jail, gay, on drugs, hustling, or with a white woman.

Statistics don’t help. Black women are the least likely to get married, least likely to have successful marriages, and least likely to remarry after divorce. How bleak is that? Our fears heighten and we fight frantically to secure a man at any cost. The only problem is all the other sistas are trying to do the same thing. We end up seeing each other as an obstacle to our own happiness, rather than as a support system for our common plight.

Mirror-Mirror Theory.
What we see in the mirror plays a large role in how we conduct ourselves in the world. Sometimes our self-perceptions are jaded by BET video honeys with curvaceous figures and seductive vibes. For others it’s the classic standard of beauty: fair skin, light-colored eyes, and straighter hair. If another sista possesses a trait that we desire but don’t have, she becomes triggers our insecurity.

The sense of similarity has been broken. Whether it is skin complexion, body shape or size, hair texture, social status, or confidence level, we see it as a form of distinction rather than relationship. We ignore our talents and beauties, wasting time envying and coveting another’s. We leave our own potential undeveloped while we seethe over another sista’s success.

These theories are simply assumptions based on observations and statistics. What is known is the flaw that exists in many black women’s self-perception that influences our relationship with one another. If we can’t love ourselves, how can we expect our men to love us? If we can’t heal ourselves, how will we heal our communities?