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She doesn’t know who she
is or what pleases her. She shuns her fears, but they remain her master,
her motivation. Driving her to jump from man to man or woman to woman
searching for something that she was never taught to recognize because
her teachers weren’t taught to recognize it. And if they do find this
part of themselves, they’re so broken, tired, and disoriented by life
experiences, that all they can do is pass down the bitterness and pain,
or hide it hoping to prevent the next generation from experiencing it;
not knowing that it’s inevitable. Talking to our girls and young women
about the importance of defining their sexuality and perception of
intimacy is necessary. Videos reinforce the superficial image of beauty
and communicate to many women that, if you aren’t desirable to men,
you’re purposeless. Size, complexions, hair lengths, ability to perform
various sexual acts, and competing for attention, overshadows the true
essence of woman.
Unfortunately, sex is a reality that even elementary school students
face. The importance of a woman’s body, her sensuality, and the way she
defines herself within a society that upholds a warped perception of
woman’s purpose and “place,” needs to be ingrained into our girls’ minds
from a young age. It starts with simple things such as answering her
questions about her body and its changes completely and honestly.
Teaching her to cherish and love her body the way it is; if she wants to
change it, ask her why and for whom. Let her see you pamper yourself
while taking care of your responsibilities. In this, she learns that one
of her greatest responsibilities is to take care of herself: mind, body,
soul, and emotions. Emphasize the importance in feeling good about
yourself before you walk out of the house, so that you aren’t as
vulnerable to insecurity that may be created by others who’re attempting
to match the distorted standard of womanhood.
Defining sexuality and intimacy is part of our journey to discovering
ourselves. Issues surrounding respect and double standards keep many of
us walking the razor’s edge between freely expressing and discovering
ourselves in intimate relationships and trying not to be viewed as
“loose.” Mental, emotional, and physical abuse from childhood,
adolescent, or adult relationships stay with us if we don’t work to
extract the lesson and release the pain. Fear of abandonment, and having
the need to be needed, act as blinders to understanding what we truly
want and need from relationships and friendships with others. How do we
break the cycle and overcome the existing, oppressive, institutionalized
sexism? How do we begin to clarify sayings such as “Why buy the cow,
when you can get the milk for free?” How do we begin to tell ourselves
that we have so much more to offer than sex and physical pleasure to our
significant other? To articulate that if we choose to wait until
marriage for specific reasons then that’s cool, but if we choose to
share a sacred part of ourselves with a person we care for, then s/he
still has more to look forward to.
I was raised under the pretense that if a man “had” my body, then he
wouldn’t marry me because he wouldn’t have anything else to look forward
to. I respected this and understood it, but it also confused me for a
long time because I knew I had so much more to offer and I knew I didn’t
want to spend time building with someone that didn’t or couldn’t
understand and acknowledge that fact. It is important to understand that
many think this way and act on it, and also to know the importance of
patience and “saving some for later.” Definitely, many times women give
more than our significant other has earned or shown that s/he is
responsible enough to handle. However, this logic must be balanced with
our own personal opinions. I came to a point where I had to clarify
ideas for myself. I didn’t want any man to commit himself to me because
of his sexual curiosity, because within the context of a monogamous
relationship, there’s always the possibility of him getting bored with
being with the same person. This would happen if a deeper love,
admiration, friendship, and respect were absent. I also know that any
man that chooses to share his life or part of his life with me has
infinite things to look forward to: personal growth, spontaneity,
maturity, the expansion of my mind, demonstrations of strength and
power, spiritual growth and wisdom… The list goes on. I believe every
woman should understand this and believe it for herself. Even when you
fall, the power doesn’t leave! This is a prerequisite to entering any
relationship.
It’s a challenge and it’s something that must be worked on constantly,
but we must do it for ourselves and for our daughters, nieces, cousins,
mentees, and our men.
Nurture your womanhood. Discover your likes and dislikes. Observe
characteristics you admire and work to acquire them. Pride yourself in
your strengths, accept your weaknesses. Embrace you because you’re the
product of years of power, struggle, beauty, imperfection, and grace.
Like Alice Walker said, we must go “in search of our mother’s gardens”
and when we find them, nurture them, and dwell in that divine place.
Nameste. |
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